Taking Out the Trash
by Six of Twelve
Summary: For 2019 SSSW Challenge. Offstage scene from 2nd season episode, "Klink's Secret Weapon".


"Just what do you want me to do to Franks' uniform?" LeBeau asked Colonel Hogan shortly after Sergeant Franks had left the barracks with Schultz reluctantly trailing after him. "I still think I should press the uniform with him in it."

"I've got a better idea," Hogan reassured him. "What I want you to do is rip out all the seams in the uniform, then loosely baste it back together, so that it'll fall apart if he moves around too much - which he will."

Le Beau grinned widely imagining that. "I think I can assure you that he'll come apart at the seams."

Turning to Carter, who was watching the door, Hogan told him, "Use your lemon juice invisible ink to draw a big V for Victory symbol on the shirt of his long underwear. Make it big enough so that everyone notices it."

"You got it, boy, err, sir!" Carter affirmed. After a moment, he walked toward the colonel and Le Beau, leaving the door unattended. "Begging your pardon, sir, do you think that will be enough to get rid of Franks? I've got some smoke bombs that are real beauties that Le Beau can sew into his pants. And some firecrackers, too! The only problem is getting up close enough to him to light them…"

"Will you get back at the door?" Newkirk told Carter, rolling his eyes at the overeager American.

As Carter slunk back to his post, Hogan thought for a moment. "Wait a minute. Carter's on the right track." After Carter brightened at his commanding officer's words, his face fell again in response to what Hogan said next. "We do need more than the uniform stunt to sell our point, but fireworks is the wrong idea. It would be obvious that this had been done to him and, as Carter said, we'd not be able to get close enough to pull it off."

"What do you have in mind, sir?" Kinch asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee and took a seat at the table across from Newkirk.

Hogan didn't reply for a long interval. Suddenly snapping his fingers, he said, "That's it!" Turning to Newkirk, he asked, "What did you do with those old, worn-out mattresses?"

"We put them down in the tunnel, just like you told us to do," the Englishman told him. "They come in handy when we have extra guests."

"But they got dirt all over them from the cave-in," Kinch told him.

"Good," Hogan said. "That will be perfect for what I want to do with them."

"I can lay hands on several mattresses, but what do you need them for?" Kinch asked, still not sure where Hogan was going with this.

"What I want to do is make the compound look like a tornado came through," Hogan began. "The old mattresses can be thrown on the roof."

Warming to the subject, he continued, "I want any and all trash to be gathered and brought here: paper, boxes, worn-out clothes, rags - anything you can find."

Looking at Kinch, he instructed, "Get all the barracks chiefs together and have them gather all the trash they can find and bring it here through the tunnel. Those in the barracks right next to ours can keep what they collect in their own barracks until I give the signal to deploy it. We need to have everything in place, ready to go, before Schultz comes back to retrieve Franks' pressed uniform."

"I can do that," Kinch affirmed.

"Get going, then," Hogan urged. "We'll set everything in motion just after the Inspector General gets here. If I know Franks, he'll have the Inspector General admitted by the back gate in order to give Klink as little advance notice as possible. So, he won't see the front compound until we've done our thing."

After Le Beau and Carter had gone into Colonel Hogan's office to work on Franks' uniform, Kinch left the barracks to carry out Hogan's orders. Newkirk took charge of the men who would be gathering trash around the barracks and from the tunnel.

He assigned different men to look for particular types of items, to help avoid both chaos and duplication of their efforts. Some men scouted around for paper and cardboard trash: old, discarded newspapers, magazines, wrapping paper, scrap paper, boxes and so on. Others emptied rag bags and clothes hampers, which contained dirty or worn out clothing, towels, and washcloths. And, lastly, a few guys looked for miscellaneous items that would be useful: pieces of broken stools, candy wrappers, etc, and to bring up the worn out mattresses from the tunnel they'd need.

As for himself, Newkirk stood at the tunnel entrance directing those bringing stuff from other barracks. Before long, the floor of Barracks 2 was filled with various and sundry camp detritus.

Colonel Hogan came out of his office to check their progress some time later. Newkirk had been so busy organizing the collected trash that he'd lost track of the time.

"Looks good," the colonel observed. "The way you've got it organized, it'll be easy to get it out there quickly and strewn all over." After checking his watch, he added, "Le Beau and Carter have finished with Franks' uniform, and I estimate that Schultz should be here any minute now to pick it up."

"Aren't you worried about Schultz seeing the mess in here?" Newkirk asked. "I know he's an idiot and all that, but even he will know we're up to something if he sees this."

"Don't forget that Schultz wants to get rid of Franks as much as we do," Hogan reminded him. "If anything, he'll help us, even if it's just by 'knowing nothing'."

Five minutes later, Schultz came through the door. Nervously looking around at the mess before him, he asked. "What is all this? I can't even see the floor."

"You wanted me to get rid of Franks," the American reminded him. "This is part of how I'm going to do it."

"Ooh, I like it already," Schultz enthused, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "But it's going to mean that Sergeant Franks is going to have a very _bad _day!"

"Well, let's face it, no day's perfect," Hogan said, winking at the rotund German. "Especially not for him."


End file.
